Resentment Is In the Mind of the Grudge Holder
by Dr. Marlo Archer

Marlo J. Archer, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist and her husband, Jon, own and operate Down To Earth Enterprises-Psychological Services in Tempe. They serve kids, teens, and their families, in group, individual, and family therapy in the office, or through e-mail, phone, or live chat consultation. They also produce and co-host an internet radio show with Devin Jones. Listen Mondays at 11:30am at radio.drmarlo.com or download the archives from www.drmarlo.com To schedule a free consultation, call 480-705-5007 or e-mail Jon@drmarlo.com.

It’s been said harboring resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other guy dies. I totally agree. Resentment is a toxic emotion that erodes the spirit and turns us into bitter, angry and cynical people. If we hang onto resentment long enough it makes us physically and mentally ill and drives others away from us.

So, why would anyone want to live like that? The truth is although almost no one wants to live that way, the reason many people do is they don’t understand that when we have resentment, we are part of the story and holding the grudge or ill will is our fault.

What? Yes. Our fault. If you are walking around now, holding a grudge against anyone, it is completely your fault. But, Dr. Marlo, "how can it be my fault that my good-for-nothing husband left me with no money in our checking account and our car payment three months overdue?" " How can it be my fault that my ex-wife wasn’t divorced but five minutes and was immediately moving in with her new boyfriend?" " How can it be my fault that my selfish mother never had time for anyone but herself?" " How can that be my fault?"

It’s not your fault if your husband left or if your wife was cheating or if your mother was self-centered. It is your fault if you continue to hold onto a resentment about it.

Resentment binds us if we focus only on putting blame on another person refusing to look at what we’ve done to get into the ridiculous situation in the first place. This isn’t about shame and guilt and punishing yourself, only about taking a fearless look at what you, yourself, did to get into the situation and what you, yourself, can do to get yourself out of it and stop feeling the ugly presence of resentment.

• we’re touchy or on edge when reminded of the person or persons we resent.

• we usually deny any anger against those whom we resent.

• we are provoked or angered when we see those whom we resent get recognized and reinforced for their

achievements.

• we resentment becomes a barrier between people with whom we want to establish a healthy relationship.

• we get stuck in our efforts to grow as a person.

• ·we reject all efforts to begin the work on forgiving and forgetting past offenses and hurts.

• we resist all attempts to get on with our lives, including the suggestion of having unfinished business with people from the past which needs to be addressed.

• we find it difficult to open up and trust others, especially in new relationships.

• we find it hard to believe we will ever be recognized for our competency, worth, and abilities.

• we tend to overcompensate in efforts to be successful

1. Stop Focusing on the Other Person – Maybe your ex-husband caused stress and emotional pain. Maybe your kid was ungrateful. Maybe your boss totally doesn’t notice all the good work you do. Let’s just say agree that much of the bad stuff you’re thinking about the other person is true. So what? Thinking about what a bad person they are only poisons your mind, spirit, and destroys your day. Stop focusing on them. They didn’t deserve your time then and they don’t deserve it now.

2. Ask Yourself What You Did to Contribute – This is the hardest step because most of us are convinced we had nothing to do with the problem whatsoever. People say things like, "I didn’t make him drink," or, "No one forced her to stay in the relationship." True, you don’t cause other people’s behavior, but in any relationship, you contribute something. Did you go ahead and marry a guy you knew drank heavily? Did you look the other way as he become more and more addicted? Have you been making excuses for him for years? If any of those ring true, those are the things you did to contribute to the problem.

3. Admit to Yourself the Part You Played – Once you’ve figured out what you’ve done to contribute, it is necessary to admit this truth to yourself. You have to admit you were ignoring your wife, were staying at work too long to avoid being home, or spending the family money on unnecessary things—whatever it is you did. Growth comes from acknowledging our behavior — not finding someone else to blame. You can’t say, "I was rude to my wife because my boss was so hard on me." The buck has to stop with you.

4. Forgive Yourself – This is a very important step. Folks who get through the first three steps often stop and wallow in guilt and self-pity and head right into deep depression. This isn’t the way to go. You don’t have to punish yourself. You are not required to stay at Step Three long at all, just get there, and get there sincerely. Once you have really admitted your part in the problem, move on. Forgive yourself. You’re human and you make mistakes, perhaps some big ones. Once again, it is important to forgive yourself

5. Design a Plan to Avoid Repeating The Same Mistake – You’re not off the hook yet. You cannot just forgive yourself and then go on merrily about your business as if the whole sordid affair never happened. Now you must make a plan to avoid repeating the same mistake. This is where people are very tempted to focus again on the other person. They may have been able to admit they made a bad mistake in marrying an active alcoholic and they’ll forgive themselves for doing it, but they think they’ll never do it again simply because it was so bad the first time they are certain they’ve learned their lesson. Not so. You must seriously develop a specific plan for how you are going to avoid repeating the pattern in the future. You may need to observe a person’s drinking behavior over six months before marrying them or ask some serious questions about their history with alcohol or drugs, or even get to know their friends and observe them in social settings before getting serious. You can’t just trust that you "have learned" and will "know better" next time. You need a specific plan.

6. Put the Plan into Action – You’re almost there. Now you need to live it. If you have decided you are going to avoid dating women who have a number of male friends, if you happen to meet a beautiful, financially stable, interesting woman who seems really enamored with you, if you find out she has a number of male friends, you need to back away. I’m certainly not suggesting no one date women with lots of male friends, but if that’s the lesson you learned, don’t discard that lesson the first time it comes up. This is where you need to do the hard work of living what you’ve learned or you’re doomed to repeat again, and again, and again. We get the lesson as many times as we need until we actually ‘get it’ or have an ‘A-ha’ experience.

By following these steps you are able to acknowledge the situation without remaining focused on it or holding the resentment. You aren’t agreeing with the behaviors, you are accepting what happened and also recognizing the part you played.

You will focus on what you did and when you figure that out, you can develop a plan for how you’re going to avoid repeating it. You’ll forgive yourself for your mistakes, you’ll learn from them, and you’ll live differently in the future. People who do this have no need or room for regret in their lives.

Dealing with resentment and being able to forgive others is a quality which takes a great deal of grace and maturity. Working toward forgiveness is a positive act not only for the sake of the relationship, but for your own emotional, spiritual, and yes, even physical well-being.